WHAT NEXT?

As I ponder yet another disappointment, I have to ask myself, what next?  I know my questions are not earth-shattering problems.  I don't have anyone close to me suffering with an incurable disease, I haven't lost a job, I have a wonderful husband who love's me ....so why should I concern myself with, what's next?

You know, my "what's next" may not be significant in the whole scheme of life, but it is significant to me.  Therefore, I must conclude that it is also significant to God.  If He truly cares about every hair on my head, then He truly cares about my little world and it's seemingly insignificance.

But my question is, why am I so hurt by the choices of another.  Were they choices I made?  Certainly not.  Were they avoidable choices?  Absolutely.  Are they now coming back to haunt?  You betcha!  One would think that the recipient of all this would be saying "What's Next".  But, that is not the case.  The recipient of the continual "bad news" just keeps taking things in stride.  An "oh well" attitude.  It doesn't seem to motivate him to do any better.  It doesn't seem to make him remorseful.  It doesn't seem to really matter at all.  Is that just a show, or is he truly being touched somehow.  You know we have our way of making our outward appearance seem fine when we are dying on the inside.

For me, it all comes back to that "love" thing.  That stuff God has for us and we in turn have for OUR children.  I am getting a closer and closer glimpse of just what God goes through everytime we go around the same mountain.  I am getting a glimpse of what it means to truly reap what you sow.  I am getting a glimpse of His frustration with His people after time and time-again getting chances to do it right.  I am getting a glimpse of His Heart.  So much bigger than mine and yet just as breakable. 

So here I am, stuck again, in the heart, with a knife.  And this one has two edges, so it can rightly divide my flesh from the spirit.  It makes my heart hurt and my flesh ache.  But I know, that this "working" in me will draw me closer to Him, and in the end, that's all I want.  No, I can't say that's ALL I want.  In complete honesty, I want my kids to be drawn closer to Him.  And maybe they are, maybe all this IS having an affect on them.  Maybe, they are starting to see.  Maybe....

So, "what's next" isn't really a question I should be asking.  For I know, that whatever is next, is doing it's work in me and those around me.  I have to trust....yeah, there's that "word" that none of us really like, I have to trust, that God knows my future and that of my kids.  And that He has their best in mind at ALL times.  And I have to trust, that they will someday make that choice for themselves.  I just can't do it for them and the Lord knows I have tried.  So, what's next???  We'll just have to wait and see.

For the Boyz

I know that you are growing
By many leaps and bounds
And no longer any prints
On my walls or cupboards found.

And as you grow along
Into a fine young man
I still see those little fingers
And it's hard to understand.

Where all the time flew by
It seemed to go so fast
The distance now between us
Has me longing for the past.

To hold you once again
Enclosed within my arms
Would be my hearts desire
To keep you from all harm.

But as you grow and soar
Remember this one thing
The baby bird must fly
Before he learns to sing.

Go after life...Grab it...Don't let go!
For God has made you for just a time as this....

I love you boys...
Mom

Love's Plan

"I know the plans that I have for you...."  (Jeremiah 29:11) That's a verse that we Christians cling to.  We use it for ourselves.  We use it for our children, our families, our friends.  We hold on to that promise every day.  There are a lot of promises in the Bible, but that one seems to sum it all up.  It comforts us, it gives us peace and reminds us of God's constant love for us.  His intimate, heart-piercing love for all His children.

You know, I have plans for my children too.  Plans for good and not for evil.  Plans for a future and a hope.  And like God, I too, love my children more than life itself.  If I could give my life for theirs, I would,  If it would save them, I would.  Just as God did for us.  He gave us Jesus because He loved us that much.  There was one big difference,  Jesus WAS able to save us.  He was God made flesh and walked among us.  He suffered our sufferings.  He walked where we walk, but He was without sin.  A far cry from my abilities.

There is something about love that drives us.  It consumes us.  It gives us purpose.  It is hopeful.  It is something we can't live without.  It desires only the best.  It drives us to do things.  As a parent, I want to solve everything for my kids.  I want to usher them into success, skirt them away from failure, help them avoid costly mistakes.  But as I contemplate that, is that really the right thing to do?  Does God do that for us?  Does He take our hand and make our lives a bed of roses?  Why then, do I feel it necessary to do that for MY children.

God gives us principles to live by.  He teaches us in love the meaning of integrity, of unselfishness, of serving others.  He GUIDES us with His love.  The choice is still ours.  We have to "determine" what we will do.  He may not like our choices, but He doesn't stop loving us because of them, nor do we stop loving our children.

Maybe somewhere along the way, I didn't GUIDE them as I should have.  Or is it that my kids "determined" their own way in spite of guidance.  And is that a reflection on me?  Is it a reflection on God when we don't follow His way?  Certainly not. It's not His fault that we choose to go our own way.  And it's not our fault when our children do the same. It breaks God's heart when our choices cause us pain. And it breaks my heart when my kids choices cause pain. 

But God is God and I'm not.  He is the one in control.  I am only human.  And my children are human and make choices for which THEY are responsible....not me.  I have to let them go at some point.  God let's us go at some point, to make choices and learn the best way for us.  We don't always do it right, but He is always there.  My kids won't always do it right, but they need to know that I will always be there....because that's Love's Plan.

Anyone Home?

"Oh Lord"....when you hear my voice, do you sigh and say, "Oh, it's you again!"?

Do you ever feel that way?  That He just wishes that for once you would not call...that He just lets the phone ring and pretends He isn't there...or better yet, takes it off the hook and you just keep getting a busy signal?  Sometimes it feels like we get a busy signal.  You wish He would at least let the answering machine pick up...."Hello, this is God.  I'm taking a little break right now.  If this message is urgent, press one to contact your local pastor, otherwise, leave your name and number and I'll get back with you soon.  Have a blessed day!"

Soon??  And what is considered "soon" in God time?  That's the one question we never seem to get an answer to.  Along with most of the others.  "But God, you don't understand.  My call is urgent and the local pastor will not do.  I need to talk to You.  I need You to listen to me.  I need to tell you what's been going on with me."

Well, guess again....He already knows.  Now that's the tricky part.  Why do I have to keep telling Him when He already knows?  Yeah, that's exactly what He says..."why do you keep telling me when I already know?" Because you told me to God.  You told me to be persistent...speak my needs, talk to you, tell you my desires and dreams.  Lay all my burdens on You. I do all that and then some.  When are you going to answer...that's the real question?

And then it happens....in the stillness of the night, in the quiet of an empty heart, after pouring out just one more time...the answer comes.  But it does not come in words, or actions or through another person or even through a change of circumstance.  It comes in Peace.  Overwhelming Peace. That Peace that goes way beyond our understanding. That OverPowering Peace that only One can give.  And it's there...it's just there.  And we don't know when or why or how, but it's there.  And we know at that very moment, we can last one more day...

TRUTH

The truth is...the truth is at our fingertips...in the very air we breathe...it envelops us at all times. When we relax and bask in that truth, our way is peace...not always pleasant, but there is peace. When we try to break out of that truth, it takes our breath, it uncovers us, it leaves us vulnerable to anyone and anything that comes along. We need not fear the truth, but must embrace the truth, for if we don't, fear WILL overcome us....

PICTURE IT

Here's how I picture it in Heaven.  God, the Judge, is sitting at His bench.  You know the one, the big chair, the big desk and the big hammer....yeah, that's the one.  Jesus is at the defense table, ready to go and the Holy Spirit is co-counsel.  And there you sit, at the defense table.  You look over at the prosecution and who do you see???  Yes, it's him, you know the one, the Liar, the Thief, the Accuser, the Prosecuter, the one and only....Satan himself.  He is sitting so smug, just ready to pounce.  He can't wait to make his opening statement.  Can't wait to tell the court all the dirty little things you have done, thought, contemplated doing, said, looked at, lusted for, coveted....and so on.  He is chomping at the bit.

Finally, he speaks...."If it please the court...(which, of course, is God's court and no, it does not please Him)...I am here today to prove the guilt of one said defendent.  I will present evidence to prove their guilt.  You will know beyond a shadow of a doubt."

And there you sit, cringing in your seat because YOU KNOW, yes, you know he is speaking truth about you.  You know all the things you have hidden in your heart and those things that you have not.....you have just outright done.  You begin to sink into your chair.  What can you possibly do to defend yourself.....And then you realize....NOTHING.  You've done it, you're guilty as charged and you should never go free.  Prison for life.  Perhaps even death.  That's what you deserve.  That's the only RIGHT thing.

But you glance over at your Lawyer.  He is slowly rising to His feet.  It's His turn to speak.  You almost want to grab Him and make Him sit down because there is nothing to be done. Nothing to be said. 
Do a plea bargain!  Yeah, that would work.  Maybe you wouldn't get the death penalty. 

But you can't stop Him.  He's too quick and already talking.  You hear compassion in His voice.  You hear anger in His voice against the accuser.  You hear His Authority.   You so want to ask WHY?  Why has He taken my case?  What is so special about me?

And then He turns to the Judge.  He reminds Him that your debt, your crime, your sin, your nature was already paid for by someone else.  He reminds Him that you are not perfect...that you were not made to be perfect.  You were only made to love and praise and worship and obey God.  And that with the help of the Holy Spirit..that's what you did.  Oh you failed, just as Satan has accused, but your Lawyer saw more than failure...He saw a willing heart that was made of clay, ready to be shaped and formed into the likeness of your Son, Judge.  You begin to understand.  That's why He took the case.  Because He saw.  He knew.  He always did.....and there was not ONE THING you could do about it.  Your guilt became His guilt so you could go free....

More Thoughts

I was thinking today in church as I was meditating on the "desert": what does a young woman think about when she is wanting to get married?  I mean, if she isn't married, can't that be a desert experience if that is her heart's desire.  So, she is dating a handsome young man, and her thoughts are..."choose me, pick me, let me be the one...".  Maybe he meets all her requirements...he's handsome, he's kind, he's funny, he's a Christian and so on.  And sometimes God doesn't answer for a long time.  And the guy never talks of marriage.  What does she do?  She waits.  Waits on him, waits on God, waits on her dreams and hopes for a future....she waits.

Although that is not my current situation, it once was.  When I was single and would date a Christian man, I would think..."maybe this is the one...maybe he will choose me".  For so many, or few in my case, "NO" was the answer.  Oh how disappointed I would be.  But, continued to trust God.

The desert has arrived once again.  Now it's with my young adult sons.  I so want them to meet a nice Christian girl. I so want them to follow God and have a relationship with Him.  I so want God to "choose them, pick them, let them be the ones He chooses."  We know from His word that God chooses those He will.  He blesses those He will.  He pretty much does what ever He wants.  I just have to keep praying that He WILL choose them.  They are walking their own path right now and I know they have to, they can't walk mine or their fathers.  I just feel assured that God is walking right next to them.  Like the song says, "When you can't see His hand, trust His heart".  I do trust His heart.