Letters to my son...

Dear Son,

The time of dependence is quickly coming to an end. The time when you will begin to walk on your own will arrive very soon. As a parent, we long for the day when our baby takes his first step. Well, there are more "first steps" in life than just when you're learning to walk as a toddler.

There is the first step when you go off to kindergarten. There is the first step when you become a teenager. There is a first step when you learn to drive. There is a first step when you begin to date.

You are approaching your first step of graduation...of life after high school. Of life possibly away from home for the first time.

For me, in my life, this is a first step......letting you go. Am I scared? A little. Do I want it to happen....of course. Will I always "feel good and happy"...probably not. Will I worry...probably so. Will I be able to do it...not alone. Only with God's help. And He will help me. This is the time I have to trust Him most. I have to trust you with Him. I will no longer parent you in the same way. I will always be here for you...I will always love you no matter what. There is not anything you could ever do to change that, but my role for you will be different. I will have to let go....from the inside. It will be a little like dying. A good kind of dying for it will be allowing you to live...to live to your fullest potential...with "me" and my flesh out of the way.

I only pray and will always pray that God will be an ever-present force in your life. I pray and hope that if I have given you anything, if we have given you anything, it is the sure knowledge that God is always with you. He always loves you and He sent His son Jesus to die for you, that you might have eternal life. Never forget that. Never forget Him. For whatever you are, wherever you go...we will always be connected, as a parent to a child and as believer to believer. You are my firstborn. You have received a precious inheritance. Do not squander it.

Remember, with freedom comes responsibility. Your freedom is near...handle it with care.

I love you,
As always,
Mom

As Time Goes By

I sit here in the quiet of home. Sunshine outside, the dog laying at my feet, all is quiet and still. I listen for You. I sit here knowing Your presence is all around me. I wait on you. Trying to empty my mind of thoughts about the day. Things I need to do. Things I want to do. Things I have to do. I am so in awe of this life of mine. What I have been so blessed with. And how I see Your hand and heart on my life through all these years. How you have shaped me, formed me and guided me and loved me and comforted me and strengthened me and empowered me by your Holy Spirit. Taught me and given gifts to me that I would maybe have never unwrapped on my own. The awe and wonder of You. The transformations in the twinkling of an eye. Our lives go by so swiftly. It's not hard to remember feeling young. Remembering the past, seeing now how quickly it all goes. And the future here on earth, unknown, with the promise of a future with You. But then, You have been here all along. I long to see You face to face, without the limitations of this mortal body. We get a glimpse now and so many things are shadowed. But then it will all be clear.

I don't want to race through each day wondering at the end where all the time went, now that I see how quickly it has all raced by. It's like we set our eyes on some future event and before we realize it, it has come and gone. So quickly. And what did we do with all that waiting time? Did we wait on You? Where was our focus? What did we set our eyes on? The result? Did we truly enjoy the time to get there or just fret it away with silly duties and details.

I am missing my babies right now. Where did all that time go? Just yesterday they were in my arms and now they are grown and on their own. At the end, I don't want to regret one single moment. So keep me in the present. Remember the past but don't dwell on it. Think of the future but don't worry about it. Live in the now, see what's right in front of me and take each hour, each day at a time. Help me be ready for what You want to show me.

Only God!

You know it seems that most of us bloggers and writers so much of the time write out of our desperation, out of our pain, out of our circumstances. How often do we write out of our joy? How often do I allow myself to see the joy that surrounds me everyday?

For so long I wrote about my pain, my children and the circumstances that they were in and I found myself in. Very rarely was there joy in the circumstance but there certainly was joy in finding God's hand in everything that was going on. And when things were running smoothly, ie,the kids were not causing any major problems, there was joy in that as well because the heartache was kind of on the back burner. There seemed to be a break from reality of sorts. God was so gracious in giving me those breaks as well. But did I ever write about that? Not too often.

Well today I want to speak of a humanly unattainable joy. My heart has been filled to overflowing because of God's hand in my life and the lives of my children. Through times of doubt, fear, longing and thoughts of sure destruction, God made His presence most assuredly known.

I could not have ever conceived a better outcome. It is so true that He knows and provides beyond, far BEYOND our fleshly hearts desires and imaginations.

I praise Him for the men my boys have become and are ever becoming. To see their hearts turning to Him and the longing for knowledge, this change is too great for me to comprehend. Only God. Only God!

Is there perfection? Absolutely not. Is there conviction? I hope so...means they are listening. Is there sin? Of course. Do they love Him...without doubt! Are there still questions? Don't we all at some points in our lives!

The God of my heart has taken His rightful place in theirs and they have welcomed Him with open arms. There is still growing up to be done, but my confidence is no longer in my ability, like it ever really, truly was, but in God's ability to completely hold and protect their hearts.

For that, I can not thank Him enough....

Love Rescued

Love rescued me when love could not be found.
Hope found me when there was no hope given.
Jesus saved me from a life that I couldn't save.
Grace forgave me when I didn't deserve forgiven.

He was there when I didn't have the strength to seek Him.
He stayed with me when I wanted to leave.
He lifted me from the depths of my sin.
He loved me when I didn't believe.

Love never gives up...
It persues to the end.

Outside Looking In

As I sit here..outside, on this half-sunny day, I can see inside-where it's warm, people doin' "their thing". The little old man with his morning bowl of soup, here every day...the artist, with his bare canvas-waiting to "create" something new...the older married couple with their newspapers and books-talking some, reading more...the business man with his tablet and phone starting his day with coffee and ideas. And then me-on the outside looking in.

I can only see so far as I gaze through the window. I am limited by the darkness that reaches just beyond the edge. I can see myself the most clearly, sitting in the sun looking in, seeing my reflection in the glass. The clouds and trees behind me are muted, yet clear. I have never sat this way when here, usually looking out from the shade so as to avoid the sun. Yet, today being brisk, the sun feels wonderful on my face. That puts me in the awkward position of looking in...seeing myself and those just on the edge of darkness. It makes me a little uncomfortable because as I look in, it's hard to tell who is looking out...at me.

And then there's the sun...the warmth of it's light, the clearness of it's beauty, it's ability to illuminate with it's equal ability to conceal. You wonder how that can be possible. It seems contradictory. Doesn't light ALWAYS illuminate? How can light produce darkness? When our reflection and those things around us are brighter than what lies beyond the glass, that's when it happens. Sometimes we are on the inside, looking out at the light, still seeing clearly but not being clearly seen by those on the other side-actually sitting IN the light.

So many times when we are IN the light, we only see the perimeter, the edges of things-we can't see into the darkness because the light is too great. And sometimes when we are in the darkness looking out, we see everything in the light much more clearly. We can see all around us as well.

So which is better? To be IN the light with limited vision into the darkness or on the edge of darkness and able to see clearly out? Perhaps sometimes we are called to be in the light, to see our reflection clearly, for introspection and sometimes we are called to be on the edge of darkness-to look out and see the Light and Hope that resounds with overwhelming noise.

When we go through the dark times, God allows us to see beyond the edge-into the Light-to see the hope and future He has for us. When we are in the Light-God protects us from seeing into the darkness too clearly. We must at some point experience both places....for reflection and clarity.

A Matter of Life and Death

We all have heard the warning..."it's a matter of life and death!" Usually it is in reference to some significant occurance that we believe will bring death if we do not act upon it. It could be a life-threatening disease. It could be real or it could be a "potential" threat. We teach our children, for example, not to run out in the street. That truly could be a matter of life and death. Or we preach against risky behavior because that could be a matter of life or death.

So what does the phrase mean? In the matter of death, is it referring to our flesh which will die some day and go back to dust? And regarding the matter of life...is it speaking of our day-to-day existence with our day-to-day routines? What is the true meaning behind this warning? Does it have any importance in how we live our life? Can anything we do in life really affect our death? Afterall, we certainly know that death is something that none of us escapes. We are all treated equally when it comes to this particular aspect of life. None of us knows the day nor the hour that it will come and none of us can appoint our own time. This is truly all in God's hands.

And just what does happen when we die? Do we really know? Do we have any assurances that reach beyond our human doubt? Alot depends on what we believe in life. Personally, I cling to the promises found in Jesus. Not because I am weak or afraid, but because He IS my life. My only hope is in Him. My future is all in His hands and He saves me from death eternal. I do not believe that when all is said and done, I will go back to dust and that will be the end. If that was the case, it would raise the question; What was the point?

What about the unbeliever? The person who has no concern for end of life issues other than who they will leave their money to. The successful person who is healthy, happy, married with two kids and lives their life with wise caution-trying to stay on the straight and narrow. They are overall a "good" person. They pour everything into this life for once you're gone, you're gone. There really is no need for a "saviour". To be saved from what? Christians suffer as much as the next guy. These are the ones who probably never use the phrase in its most literal form. And should they? Should they be concerned with matters of life and death?

The only answer is yes. To put our faith and confidence in Jesus in this life, is to assure our place in death. Jesus was not JUST a nice guy who lived a long time ago to bring love and peace. He was not JUST a great prophet or a "good" person. He was and is the Son of God. He did not come here to bring happiness and an easy road in this life. His life was far from easy. He was hated by His own, betrayed by those who loved Him, beaten, spat upon and finally, hung on a cross and left to die. But his enemies didn't get it. They didn't understand the why. They didn't know WHO He was. That His death was NOT the end. He defeated death and the grave and He did it for us. He took on our sin to save US from certain death. He sacrificed His life so that our death would NOT be the worst thing to happen. Death would NOT have the final word. He gave His life so that we could have life and life everlasting.

So we are given a choice; To accept this life as it is with ultimate death OR choose Jesus and His promise of Life-now and without end. Now THAT is a matter of Life and Death to consider...

The Wild Seedling

As I look out my kitchen window, I see a tree in my neighbor's back yard that is not the prettiest. This particular tree grew from a wild seedling that had buried itself right next to the fence. You know the ones, you have to keep cutting them down or digging them up because a tree or weed is trying to grow. And you never know which one it's going to be. They drive you crazy. Well, this particular seedling was never cut down or dug up and was allowed to grow. Now I figure this happend because it was at the back of the yard, the house was up for sale and nobody payed any attention to it. By the time it was noticed, it had grown quite a bit and was probably considered too large to do anything with. Either that or no one really cared that it grew there, afterall it was in the back of the yard-hardly noticeable to the owner. So, for the past several years the tree has remained.

As far as I can tell, this tree has never been touched; never fertilized, never pruned, never given a second thought. It's limbs are growing awkwardly and the leaves are not very pretty, even in the spring. Where it sprouted, it does not provide any advantage to it's owner-no needed shade or fruit and it eventually will be destructive to the fence. If allowed to continue in it's wild nature it will be cut down or die. Now is that to say that the tree could never be beautiful? It would take a lot of care at this point because of the years of neglect, but nothing is usually impossible for a master gardener; one who is willing to take the time and give the attention required for transformation.

That tree is a perfect reminder to me of our lives without God. Without the One who plants us perfectly where needed, prunes us, waters and cares for us-we grow wildly. We try to plant ourselves where WE want to grow instead of letting Him plant us where we will grow best. Our rebellion against Him grows in all directions trying to survive. Our flesh sprouts and is awkward and ugly. We neglect our spiritual life, we don't give it a second thought. We provide no shade nor bear any fruit of benefit to anyone and eventually we are destructive to all that is around us. If allowed to continue we are cut down or we die in our sin. Is that to say that we could never be made beautiful? Nothing is impossible for the Master Gardener.

Don't let me be like that wild tree. Don't let my children be wild trees. Forgive our rebellion Lord. Plant us where we will grow best and prune us. Only You can transform us with care and love and attention. May we be willing...