As I ponder yet another disappointment, I have to ask myself, what next? I know my questions are not earth-shattering problems. I don't have anyone close to me suffering with an incurable disease, I haven't lost a job, I have a wonderful husband who love's me ....so why should I concern myself with, what's next?
You know, my "what's next" may not be significant in the whole scheme of life, but it is significant to me. Therefore, I must conclude that it is also significant to God. If He truly cares about every hair on my head, then He truly cares about my little world and it's seemingly insignificance.
But my question is, why am I so hurt by the choices of another. Were they choices I made? Certainly not. Were they avoidable choices? Absolutely. Are they now coming back to haunt? You betcha! One would think that the recipient of all this would be saying "What's Next". But, that is not the case. The recipient of the continual "bad news" just keeps taking things in stride. An "oh well" attitude. It doesn't seem to motivate him to do any better. It doesn't seem to make him remorseful. It doesn't seem to really matter at all. Is that just a show, or is he truly being touched somehow. You know we have our way of making our outward appearance seem fine when we are dying on the inside.
For me, it all comes back to that "love" thing. That stuff God has for us and we in turn have for OUR children. I am getting a closer and closer glimpse of just what God goes through everytime we go around the same mountain. I am getting a glimpse of what it means to truly reap what you sow. I am getting a glimpse of His frustration with His people after time and time-again getting chances to do it right. I am getting a glimpse of His Heart. So much bigger than mine and yet just as breakable.
So here I am, stuck again, in the heart, with a knife. And this one has two edges, so it can rightly divide my flesh from the spirit. It makes my heart hurt and my flesh ache. But I know, that this "working" in me will draw me closer to Him, and in the end, that's all I want. No, I can't say that's ALL I want. In complete honesty, I want my kids to be drawn closer to Him. And maybe they are, maybe all this IS having an affect on them. Maybe, they are starting to see. Maybe....
So, "what's next" isn't really a question I should be asking. For I know, that whatever is next, is doing it's work in me and those around me. I have to trust....yeah, there's that "word" that none of us really like, I have to trust, that God knows my future and that of my kids. And that He has their best in mind at ALL times. And I have to trust, that they will someday make that choice for themselves. I just can't do it for them and the Lord knows I have tried. So, what's next??? We'll just have to wait and see.
